Ending Codependency

In my opinion, we all need someone to share our successes in life with. Whether that’s a partner, parent, friend, or sibling, it’s important, as a human, to feel seen and heard by someone in your corner. It only makes sense that we spend a large part of our lives in pursuit of that level of companionship from others. 

Something that I learned about myself this year was that I did not always seek companionship in the best way for me. I sought it from people who did not reciprocate the same level of care and consideration I shared with them, effectively telling myself repeatedly that I was not capable nor deserving of feeling more. What this also meant was that the relationships in my life resulted in me latching onto that person, and nine times out of ten, they would latch back. There was then a nonstop exchange of energy where one person needed the other there solely to make their actions count or to make them feel seen.

Within the confinements of codependency, I subjected myself to so much time wasted on leaning on another person to provide me support, encouragement, and make me feel validated at the expense of never learning how to do these things for myself. Ultimately this resulted in me undervaluing everything I had to offer, because, in my mind, unless someone else noticed I had those things to offer, they didn’t count. I’m grateful and proud to be able to say I was wrong. 

This year was a violent gutting of all I knew, and I’m so much better for it. No longer do I seek situations where other people have the power to tell me if I’m on the right track—now I meditate and operate from a place of fearless defiance, fighting to show myself I am supposed to be here. I’m aware that my life and the way I choose to live it does not make sense to many people, but I’m also deeply committed, above all else, to not have to learn the same hard lessons I learned this decade in the next. I’m fully okay with being my number one cheerleader, my own best friend, and the person who holds the information about the inner workings of my brain. I have an amazing therapist and healthy, balanced relationships now that help me see the value of leaning on myself first and allowing others to show up for me in ways that work equally for us both. 

I’m also grateful for how this knowledge has changed the way I think altogether. I believe we’ve all heard the phrase, “Your thoughts are always valid,” but removing codependency from my relationships helped me realize that while my thoughts are always valid because they are mine and I am responsible for them, that does not make them intrinsically true.  When I was tangled in the web of needing others to validate me, I reveled in being told that my perspective was understood and that I was right—now I see that for what it is: an act of Ego, which has no place in my journey toward healing. 

I’m hopeful that one day I’ll have snapped out of the need of looking toward someone else for a pat on the back completely. I still slip back in that mindset when I want my family and friends to say they’re proud of me or understand me—which, I believe, is a natural first place we begin seeking validation—but I’m slowly but surely pulling myself out of that and learning to be kind to myself when it happens. 

I’m not only capable of patting myself on the back, it means a lot more to me to hear myself say I did a good job because I’ve denied myself from praising myself for so long in the past. I say all this to say that I hope you’re also able to get to this place, and if no one else tells you:

You’re doing fantastic, the absolute best that you can, and I think you should tell yourself that more in 2020. 


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