Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is the concept that I am very much a pessimistic optimist. I am someone who has pretty much consistently struggled with depression since I was a pre-teen, but I noticed something about myself—even while I’m depressed, I remain an optimist for others while simultaneously talking down to myself, telling myself I don’t deserve things, and that happiness isn’t mine to have.
Generally speaking, I am not the kind of person who wants to be comforted when I am going through something. I like to feel all of my emotions fully and fairly and am committing to not labeling emotions as “bad” or “fleeting” or “unnecessary.” All emotions are good emotions if we are committed to riding the waves until the end and learning the lessons from them. I find that if someone tries to comfort me when I’m going through more low vibrational energies—such as self-hate or resentment—I feel like I’m not being heard or understood. I feel like many of us struggle with this, wanting to feel vindicated in our struggles. However, if a friend comes to me about something they’ve been going through, I always try to uplift and encourage them, going out of my way to make sure they feel seen, heard, and loved, reminding them that trouble doesn’t last always, and that we were not put on this earth to suffer—but offer none of that optimism and encouragement to myself. Sometimes, I fully believe I am here to suffer.
I feel like a common theme on my blog has been how I struggle with feeling like I deserve kindness. It’s equal parts childhood trauma, and a defense mechanism I’ve trained myself to adhere to so that I don’t get my hopes up for something good and be hurt if it doesn’t happen. However, the more I explore my spirituality and work on self-love, I’ve been able to realize that in the past, bad events follow good things for me because I’d always expected them to. A feeling that I actively try to prevent my friends and family from feeling, has been my default state of living for the past fifteen years.
Changing my mindset and the way I process things emotionally has been an uphill battle—a battle that, many days, I honestly lose. My commitment to coming out stronger on the other side has grown, and I am committed, more than ever, to being closely aligned to my purpose and expecting nothing but goodness and happiness for myself. The other shoe doesn’t have to drop, sometimes we slap the hand that holds it and force the shoe to fall so we can slip into those lower vibrational energies and remain frozen in fear, wrapped up in ourselves and the emotional and spiritual attacks that follow.
Recently, the battle for my own happiness has become a priority. There is nothing more important in this life than making sure you are doing what you can to enjoy and embrace it, and I can honestly say I believe that now. I know it’s a cliché often abused by people who simply want us to stop talking, but we absolutely have the power to change our destinies, and life really does get better if we allow ourselves to believe without a doubt that we deserve it. We owe it to ourselves to at least try.
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