Divorcing My Depression

I turn 24 Saturday, September 1st.

If I’m being completely honest, I’ve never been the kind of person who could see themselves getting older. When I was 14, I couldn’t imagine being 18. When I was 18, I couldn’t imagine being 21. When I was 21, I couldn’t imagine being 25. I’ve never thought of my dream wedding or imagined what my kids would look like. To be even more honest, I couldn’t even see myself graduating from college, and I still can’t believe it actually happened. Now, I’m one year away from being 25, and I’m finding that I’m content with focusing on being 24.

This year I’ve learned so much. 23 is often referred to “The Jordan Year,” and is apparently supposed to be the best year of your life. Or, at least the year that you do a lot of things that you’re proud of. I am thrilled to say that I am not the woman I was at the beginning of this year—I’m better, stronger, more at peace. I have more of a grip on who I am, and the kind of woman I hope to be. I’ve tried my best to purge the bad out of my life, and I’ve prayed for the good. I’m more spiritually sound, more compassionate, more empathetic, more vulnerable. I’ve found myself with this blog. I’ve grown with all of you.

I’ve realized that my fixation on the future was based in my fear of living more years weighted down by my depression. A lot of people describe depression as a storm cloud that looms over their heads—my depression is a snake that has wrapped itself around every inch of my being. This year, I began the process of demanding that snake loosen its grip so I can begin to untangle myself. I know now that time is not linear, so the expectation I had when I first began this process to be completely free from my depression immediately is not only unrealistic, it would require me to gloss over so many things that I need to unpack and heal. I’m comfortable in taking my time in healing.

I’m not the kind of woman who thinks getting older is a curse or something I need to run from. I know that I’m still young, but I am actually looking forward to many more years like my Jordan Year; excited to having more transformative, transcendent years like this. I’m looking forward to being the kind of woman who can continue to be open to learning and growing and evolving. I can’t wait to be older, wiser, more mature, more self-assured, more confident. I’m okay with taking my time getting there.

I no longer dread the future. Every day I am fighting to be here, and I am proud to be fighting that fight. I still have more down days than up days, but I am eternally grateful and comforted to feel your love and am honored that you have chosen to follow along on my journey. I promise to keep going, to keep fighting, and to keep being real.

For 24, I want to get divorced from my depression. I want to conquer my anxiety. I want to overcome my eating disorder. I want to travel more, continue establishing boundaries, and fighting the good fight. I want to better advocate for myself the same way I can so effortlessly do it for others. I want to believe the uplifting things my therapist says to me. I want to be a better sister, daughter, and friend. I want to be a better leader, and an even more trustworthy narrator.

I, for the first time ever, just want to be here.


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2 thoughts on “Divorcing My Depression

  1. This is BEAUTIFUL Cyd! So proud of you in every way! “I’m comfortable in taking my time in healing.” May we all take that approach! Take all the time you need and keep sharing with us along the way! We are all being healed with you! Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

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