Abusing Me


Now that I’ve talked about standing by your standards, I’m feeling led to cover the way we speak to ourselves. Somehow, society has accepted the notion that we are our own worst critics as an unchangeable truth instead of the arbitrary cliché it is. As the sole resident of your body, and the only human being responsible for ensuring and maintaining your own happiness, you owe it to yourself to be kindto yourself.

I’ve talked about abuse as a love language, but now I want to talk about abuse as our thoughts, how we view your bodies, and how we treat it.

I’ll be honest— I’ve never known how not to abuse myself. Early in my life I internalized external harmful comments about my weight, how I was taller than my classmates, and how I was too shy, from people around me. However, in my true Virgo nature, paired with generally hateful feelings for myself, I took their words and hurt myself worse than the initial words ever could have.

I made harmful words and abuse my truth. I accepted that I was my own worst critic because I hadto be. Because then, nothing anyone would say could hurt me. This casual decision to accept self-harm and abuse from ourselves as something we haveto do is cruel and nonsensical. The implication that we have to race and hurt ourselves so that another person can’t, simply provides abuse from a different source; truthfully, a more harmful source, since you cannot silence your own thoughts and feelings. You cannot hide from yourself.

Instead of continuing to harm myself, which manifested in an eating disorder, severe depression, and crippling social anxiety, I made a vow earlier this year to be more kind to myself. This included allowing myself to take breaks. It included taking time to look at my body and figuring out what I loved about it. It included accepting how I look, and not stressing about getting old or looking tired. It included making a conscious effort to try to defeat my eating disorder.

All of this led to me starting therapy, beginning to meditate, and allowing the forceful tide of healing and change to purge people and habits that no longer served me, or were healthy for me. Sometimes, we abuse ourselves by keeping the company of people who make us feel inferior to try to convince ourselves we have more to fix about ourselves. We tell ourselves it is better to be frenemies with someone or be in relationships where we walk on eggshells because we are too terrified to be alone and heal. We hate spending time with ourselves so much, we stunt our own healing.

You are perfect the way you are. You already have all of the tools within yourself to heal and purge and evolve into the person you are destined to be. All you have to do is commit to believing you’re worth it.

Xo, Cydney

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