As I get deeper and deeper into the process of unpacking and healing past issues, present tensions, and prepare for the future, there remains a few things I struggle with.
During this time, things have been ripped from my fingers. The masks have fallen, the doors have closed, the car has run out of open road to drive over. Despite being shown that something is clearly over, or that something has never been for me but I fixated on it anyway, it’s been incredibly difficult for me to release those things (or people) for good.
For example, I’ve always been the kind of person who knows exactly how I want to be treated. I know that I’m the kind of person who doesn’t have unrealistic expectations in this area— in fact, I’ve often times devalued my own desires and pre-concluded that they were unnecessary or inessential— and I know that I never expect more than I give. I am also aware that being an empath and someone who genuinely cares for people, I tend to give way more than I get back. Overextending. However, it is okay to expect the energy that you give out— not in the sense that you give energy, time, love, etc. with the expectation that you are going to get something back, but that your energy is matched enough to not drain you.
Again: It is okay for you to have your energy matched. If your energy is not being matched, it is reasonable and appropriate for you to fall back. And stay back. This is the part that I struggle with the most— I’ve been on the receiving end of not having my energy matched and instead of falling back, I’ve spread myself thin. I have done way too much to try to convince people that they should treat me how I treat them. I have ignored red flags and signs and other people’s warnings about these people in a venture to prove that I was different and that I could make them match my energy.
The only thing you can do in this life is be conscious of how you treat other people. You cannot control how people treat you, but you are solely in charge of what you will accept. Something a friend told me this weekend was that I don’t always need to tell people when I’m going to fall back— realize that where your energy is not being matched, you don’t have to announce your departure. That distance is self-respect, self-value, and, ultimately, self-love.
Fall back and stay back. Do this without feeling like it is a punishment to follow through on the things that you expect to have, and the way you wish to be treated. Only entertain new situations or people in the future if they present themselves as being capable of matching your energy. If they prove to be incapable, let them go and start over again.
I’ll be doing this, too. Join me.
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